How Hot Beans Saved Us From Armed Robbers

Mama i no wan eat beans o, i shouted
loud and clear for every tom, diick and
harry to hear.
If you are not eating beans then you are
going to bed hungry, papa replied in a
voice that would make Rick Ross
I managed to eat the beans because i
find it difficult to control my bowels after
eating it but i have no choice.
We all ate beans that night, papa, mama,
i and my siblings and some extended
cousins that came to spend the holidays
with us. Hours later, we were watching
Jennifer’s diary on Africa magic when
the generator went off.
Wasiu!! Papa shouted. Go and check the
gen, e be like say fuel don finish and
make sure you pour the remaining fuel
into it and on it back, he ordered.
I quickly went outside to do his biddings
cos i was enjoying the movie too when
something that sounded like the banger
we throw on every new year’s eve landed
on my face.
Haa jesu!! I staggered for balance, i saw
heaven opened with God and Jesus
smiling at me telling me to keep up the
good work. I was brought out of my
reveries with another slap that will make
the combination of both Sango/
Amadioha’s thunder look like the
clapping of a little baby.
Oya lead the way, the one that looked
like their leader commanded. I led them
into our store cos at this stage i was
already seeing triple blame it on the slap.
I finally found my way into our sitting
room with a gun pointed to my head.
All of una lie down!! Their leader
commanded. Wey your father? He asked
me. I pointed at my younger bro
wondering when he started going bald. I
no be papa o, na papa be this, he
shouted with all his might and pointed at
Papa gave out the first fart which
sounded like a volcano.
Who is that? The leader asked.
Everywhere was silent.
I said who is that? He had barely
completed his sentence when mama
replied with another epic fart. Meanwhile,
the stinking odour of papa’s fart that
smelled like a dead rat is still thick in the
air. Now with mama own which smelled
like a rotten egg joining it, you can
imagine our dilemma.
Hun haa!!! My first cousin who is a
notorious farter jumped up blowing air
with his hands to his nose. Papa and
mama wasiu this is too bad o, una wan
kill person? he complained bitterly. I
think his face is very near to where
mama buttocks is.
Will you shut up, he was cut short by the
second thief. Where is your money and
gold? He faced papa.
I no get money o, papa never finished
his statement when a slap that sounded
like the Catholic bell landed on his face.
Papa replied with a fart that lasted for
30seconds, i was gasping for breath at
this stage.

Uniquebaze is owned by Anyanechi Onyebuchi Unique who is a Stand up Comedian and Also an Entrepreneur. If you wish to book me kindly click on Here. Smiles!!


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