How To Become A Successful Lawmaker In My Country

Audition Tips To Being A Nigerian Lawmaker

Experience in public affairs? What is that?

Think back to everything you’d heard about running for public office and then slap your entire palm on the delete button because, in the history of Nigerian governance, no one ever did it the right way.
You know how you need a medical license to practice medicine or a degree in finance to build a career in that field? What do you thınk one might need to become a Nigerian senator (Other than the good ol’ nepotism)

Did I hear someone say a degree in public administration?

You’ve obviously not read the question very well, sir because your answer ought to be ‘An audition’.
An audition is all you need and there are 4 roles that you need to master on your way to becoming a Nigerian Lawmaker.

1. Can you beat a woman to a pulp?

Or maybe slap her around to feed your own maniacal ego.

If your answer is in the affirmative then members of the Nigerian House of Assembly will welcome you with very open arms and lead you to a very plush seat where you can be comfortable enough to tell your colleagues about you needed to teach her a lesson.

You don’t have to be worried about being relieved of your duties when the video is eventually released to the public. All you just need to be is tender a disgusting apology, have your wife back you up and go back to eating chicken thighs in your mansion (built with the tax of those you go around beating up)

2. Dızzy spells, anyone?

Do you have a knack for fainting each time you’re about to be held accountable for your actions?

You don’t? So what exactly are you doing at this audition?  If you want to be taken seriously, here is what you need to do.
Go to any nightclub in the area, talk shit to any bouncer you can find and then as he’s about to pummel you to the ground, faint.
Or go to Lagos Market, steal something and when they catch you… Faint.

That’s all Dino Melaye does and look how successful he is.

3. Would you scale gates, fences and generally behave like an animal?

If in your spare time, you don’t train yourself on how to scale fences into other people’s properties then you’re not ready to be a lawmaker in this great country.
Start breaking and entering, being a nuisance in the society and when anyone tries to stop you, shout “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM” to their faces.

Once you have unlocked that stage, we guarantee that the Nigerian House of Assembly will throw its doors open.

4. Get hoodlums to steal the mace

Have you ever illegally sold your parents’ furniture, their cars or even the whole house?

If the answer to this is ‘Yes’ then you, my friend, are ready to bring hoodlums into the House of Assembly to steal the symbol of power.

Two senators have done it in the past, maybe it is finally your turn.

Godspeed as you audition to become a Nigerian Lawmaker.

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26 thoughts on “How To Become A Successful Lawmaker In My Country

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