Category: Jokes

MUMMIES COME AND READ OOH

Shocking story
Must read
A certain rich businessman had a beautiful daughter, who fell in love with a guy who was a cleaner. When the girl’s father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it. Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future.

The girl’s father started searching for the two lovers but could not find them. At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home in a local newspaper. Her father said “If you both come back I will allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each other truly.”
So in this way, their love won and they returned home. The couple went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed in white shirt that day.

While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his wife, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl lost her senses. It was only after sometime that she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cremation was the very next day because he had died horribly.

Two nights later, the girl’s mother had a dream in which she saw an old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy from her daughter’s dress as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the dream. The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it. Then when the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash the clothes which have blood stains immediately. She washed the stains but some remained.

Next night she again had the same dream she again washed the stains but some still remained. Next night she again had the same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something will happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained.bShe was very tired.

In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home, someone knocked at the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted. The old lady woke her up and gave her a blue box, which shocked the girl. She asked “What is this…?” The old lady replied… “Ariel Washing powder. it will remove all stubborn stains!!!”
😂😂😂😂😂

1. Some people are just devils, they will be calling you on phone, and at the same time praying that you do not answer the call.

Is that not a clear case of witchcraft?

2. I look at her profile pic, I see all my 20 children in her womb.🤔🤔

3. Dear future wife, you’ll always be my 2nd wife, the 1st one being football…

4. I have not been called baby in a long time, even if it’s baby powder, baby oil, baby shower, baby lotion.
Just baby me😭😭😭😭

5. If I am working at EDSA and you break my heart, just tell your entire community to buy generators. 😂😂😂

6. Shoprite should do a regular wheel alignment on their trolleys.

You’re pushing your trolley towards milk section but it’s taking you towards whiskey section.

Later they’ll say somebody likes alcohol.

7. She refuse to date you… My brother relax tell her to be your Bestie..
There are different ways of catching a RAT.

8. The way I spend money on data
I’m sure my phone thinks I’m the richest guy in the world.

9. I want to stop cheating and focus on my four girlfriends.

10. I’ve never see a woman that is faithful like mine ❤ She has no male contact on her phone. Even her Daddy’s name is Sandra.

1. I hate this statement “I have taken you as my brother” that silly statement should end.

Am not your brother I know my family members very well.

2. You never know how short twelve months is, until you start paying Rent😂😂😂😂

3. Yesterday I donated my watch, wallet & phone to a poor guy. You can’t imagine how much happy I felt seeing him putting his gun back in his pocket😁 😁 😁

4. Watching zombie movies at night can be very sweet until NEPA takes light and your front door open by itself
Boom!🏃🏃🏃😂😁

5. There is nothing frustrating like dating a short girl.
Immediately you breakup with her, and you see small children playing, then you remember her😂😂

6. My bank called me this morning that I should come and close my account and buy a saving box!😥

7. I heard COVID-19 is killing animals too. God, please help my neighbors🐔chicken😋😜😅

8. No hard working man gives a woman 24hrs of his time don’t let jobless people make you think your man doesn’t care for you!

9. Breaking News!!!

Bruno Fernandez still at Old Trafford waiting for penalty

10. Relationship stress can make you go to a funeral for someone whom you don’t know and start crying hard.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Redneck Religion

A Pastor was rounding up his sermon against Alchoholism and Drug Abuse. With great expression he said, ”If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, ”And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” And then finally, he said, ”And if I had all the Marijuana in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, “And today we will let someone in the crowd pick our closing song.” A man raised his hand and said, “For are closin song, we will sing Hymn #365: ‘We Shall Gather at that River.”’

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.
When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.
.
Farmer: “They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them”
One of the police men asked with shock:
“Are you sure they were all dead”?
.
Farmer: “Some of them were screaming, ‘we are still alive’…..
But I didn’t believe them…..
You know, these politicians. They can lie”
😀😎😀😎

I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE IT!
.
My girlfriend and I had a little issue last night
and when I woke up this morning I saw her
lying dead on the floor – she stabbed herself
with a knife. I couldn’t believe it, I asked her
why she did that and she said it’s because
she believed I’m cheating on her. I told her
that’s not true and carried her up from the
floor, but before I knew it she brought out a
gun and shot herself. I became terrified and
immediately put her in my car so I could
take her to the hospital. On my way, she
asked me to stop close to a bridge and I did,
she came down and immediately jumped
into the river. I immediately alerted the
divers there who fetched her dead body
from the river. I looked at her corpse and
began to cry , she asked me why I was
crying and I told her that I love her so much.
She finally passed out in my very arms but I
still continued my journey to the hospital as
she said she was feeling weak. There the
doctor told me that she was alright and just
needs some rest. I was so relieved but when
I went to her ward I saw her lying lifeless –
with poison pills in her hand. I was getting
angry now but then she told me that I
should calm down and that everything will
be okay soon. We kissed for some seconds
but to my very greatest surprise & shock,
she closed her eyes, fell on my laps and
finally died. I cried uncontrollably beside her,
she told me to stop crying that everything
will be alright.

1. My Brother, if a lady tells you that for 6 months no man has seen her pants, pls don’t argue, they don’t wear pants anymore.

2. Man was asked “if you win 80million,what will you do in your community?
Him: I will practice social distancing😂😂😂😂

3. Apart from me, do we still have men like Joseph who see nakedness of a woman and run away?🤔🤔🤔

4. Ladies👯👯 imagine walking into heaven and the kids you aborted shouts “Angel Gabriel..!! nah she be that..!!💔
Hell fire straight!!!

5. Anyone dating my future wife should please take it easy on her. Even if she says, “Hit me Harder!” and “Faster!” Or “Tear it!”, Please don’t mind her!

I’m begging you she doesn’t know what she’s saying, please!

6. I tried acting rich today,I withdrew 5k, stood in my room and sprayed it in the air.
Now I don’t know where N200 entered😭😭I’m having a chest pain now.

7. My pain is not that she didn’t allow me touch her, my pain is that I ate almost #200 onions and she was busy eating the meat in the suya😢
Just leave me let me cry😭😭

8. If Naija bus that you entered at the park didn’t branch at the filling station to buy fuel, My dear, you have been kidnapped!

9. Obama’s wife is comfortable with two daughters and no son. Dat is because Patience Ozorkwor is not d mother inlaw.💔💔😂😂

10. When a girl is not interested in a relationship anymore, she can say anything just to break up with you…she will be like ..
“Baby I can’t continue this relationship your father did not write NECO”.💔💔🤦‍♂️😅😅😅

1. Women can’t stop being funny. Imagine just a drop, very small drop, she will make noise for 9months. What of we guys that carry full tank of it all nko🤣🤣🤣🤣
2. I see person dey wear Adieu papa face mask😂
3. Living alone is so sweet you cook, serve, eat and wash plates next week 😂 😂
4. Once again…Download…. watch… delete…clear history…then sleep. Only legends will understand.💔😁
5. Toyota Venza for sale. Nothing do am. You will just change the engine, the steering and seats.
6. Remember I told you guys that I fell in love. I have stand up ohh…😀😀😀in fact I’m on my way home now o o….
7. That regrettable moment u try to borrow meat from the pot then the pot cover try to expose u then u try catching it like jet li then the pot of soup will nw pour 💔💔🙆‍♂️😭
8. When your boss start saying💁 “Stop calling me sir call me Innocent ” My Sister🙎 just find iron pant and wear.
9. With all the ideas I have eh if am made the president of this country, they will be carrying me everywhere I go. 😂😂🏃‍♂
10. I smell pregnancy here. One of our member will carry belle soon. The spirit just minister to me right now…

Congrats in advance.
☹️☹️☹️😔😔😔
Don’t ask me the type of Spirit😏
Willo wise

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don’t laugh too hard – one of these may be the president some day.)

Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.

What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets a election.

What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature death.

How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.

How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

What is the Fibula?
A small lie.

What does “varicose” mean?
Nearby.

What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.

What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.

Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

What does the word “benign” mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.

What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs.

IF YOU KñNO LAUGH WETIN YOU GAIN

1. I told you she is my sister and you are asking if we are related by blood.

No,Its by yoghurt.

2. School mother that cannot say “Precious, comma do small”, is that one school mother?

3. I told my girlfriend I’d like to have 7 kids after marriage and she shouted, “Ah babe! That’s too much o!” In my mind I be like, “what’s wrong with this one, are you my future wife?”

4. You buy car for your girl, another guy buys fuel, That’s division of labour. You buy her clothes another man removes them, That is separation of powers.

She tells you she is not ready for sex, whilst another guy drills daily, That’s Satanism.

5. Bag of Rice is N24k, Basket of Pepper and Tomatoes N32k. If you can’t eat Indomie and Egg on my wedding day, Abeg sit down for your house.

6. Mum says sex and Night clubs are my Enemies. God says love your Enemies as yourself.

Should I obey Mummy or God???

7. I was shocked today I never knew my Father was my Dad.A🙆🙆

8. Jealousy can make a Nigerian girlfriend read all the 200 comments on her boyfriend’s post and check their profiles.

9. Nigeria girls are like NEPA. Once dey start giving light be expecting bills.
Yee!! Who stone me??

10. Perfumes are not meant for everybody.

Some girls when their body odour mix wit Perfume they start smelling like four weeks fufu…
Just free me ee, I’m not okay.